Hey everyone,

I decided I want to post more entries but the majority of them will be friends only for various reasons. So if you want to read them and your not on my friend list already, feel free to add me as a friend!

Kell

So I have a job this summer. And the feeling alone of being able to hold a job without hyperventilating is glorious to me. Leaving my first interview this year, I almost cried. Not because I did so well or the job sounded so great but because I was myself again. I proudly walked into that organization (albeit nervously) and enthusiastically sold myself for the position. I made my interviewer laugh, I talked about my passion for working in non-profit and I left with a feeling of self worth. I had done something so above and beyond what my mind and body would have allowed me to do last summer. And I got that job. And that’s where I am right now.

I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about my depression here before I went on antidepressants. For the longest time I didn’t want anyone to know.. ever. But as I continue on them, I begin to notice that I want to talk about it, that I need to tell people. Something about the stigma against depression drives me. This idea that it’s a weakness, that all it should take is a little self infused optimism to get rid of it… makes me want to scream from the top of my lungs, “Then you obviously don’t know what you are talking about!!” It’s truly, from the bottom of my heart, NOT that simple. For months, I wished it was. Trust me. It’s terrifying revealing to someone you love that you are on antidepressants. They suddenly think that you aren’t the person that you really are. That without the meds, that would be your true self.

But they are wrong, the person I was without medication was not me. Not in a million years. Everyday I felt like someone else. Some foreign mind living in this body, performing these movements. Today I am the person that I truly am. The person who is not afraid, who knows that I am amazing. I love it, and for the first time in years, I love me again. If you truly have any questions friends, I would love to answer them.

On a different note, I am on LJ at work typing this. I have a minimal amount of work to do at this job which is not what I’m used to! When I worked at Motif two summers ago in a similar office position, I felt like I was constantly run off my feet, scrambling to get things done on time. At this position, I am relaxed, it is a casual work atmosphere. I have my own laptop, I share an office with one other woman who only works the afternoons and I think I’ve finished the majority of my summer tasks in the first 4 days that I’ve been working here! Something tells me that I should slow down cause I don’t think they expected this. When I interviewed for this position she told me that the summer is fairly slow. Which suits me just fine. The time actually allows me to get to know the organization better and to understand what goes on in the day to day operations. While the executive director is gone in July I’ll be covering her position which will be challenging and is thrilling to me. That she entrusts me with that position. And better yet, that I am confident I can handle it.

Welcome to ambivalence.

In a perfect world, nothing would be left to uncertainty. 

Hello imperfect world. Meet my friend ambivalence.


I want to be happy and shout it from the rooftops. I'm afraid to tell anyone anything for the fear that it'll all end out of nowhere. Already, I feel like I've said too much.

I'm afraid to be truly happy so I hold back. If I'm too happy, i'm afraid it'll hurt too much when I fall and no one is there to pick me up again.

I'm terrified. Let me fall god dammit.

So the Microsoft Genuine software Nazis have been steppin it up a notch lately as I'm getting multiple warnings a day now. It's almost as though its the countdown to the eventual self destruction of my computer system.. and I fear that even typing the words Microsoft and Genuine in a public setting sets off an alarm on Bill Gates personal home computer and a little elf pops up.. "We got another one sir. Another theft that needs to be punished by demanding they purchase our system. And if they just ignore us, we will HARASS them constantly"   Microsoft probably have satellites circulating the globe specifically for the purpose of tracking down all these evil evil students who are just trying to save some cash by having a computer programmer build their computer for them instead of buying it from a big box store. Apparently Microsoft needs that reassurance that they are still the biggest provider of computer systems.

BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY ALREADY! HOW ABOUT YOU FUCK OFF BILL GATES?

I mean Jesus.. how greedy can people be? 

Everytime that thing pops up on my computer, I want to smash Bill Gates' face in.  With my monitor and computer tower. 

That'll show him.

"This copy of microsoft is not genuine. You may be a victim of counterfeiting"   THANKS TIPS.. LIKE I DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW.